twin

came for my birthday weekend :) i think he can be given credit for any celebration that happened at all this weekend.

i was thinking about it... you know it's hard to call someone a close friend that you have known for a good period of time, but just never had the chance to KNOW. but what makes it a friendship is that no matter the distance or the amount of time that separates people, there's still care. when a thought of the other person pops into mind, they wonder how they are. in essence, they love.

so twin, thank you. i honestly still get freaaaked out by how we sorta actually look alike and how we really are similar in the strangest of ways... but thank you for taking that flight, using your credit card, and forcing me to remember that i'm getting older. scratch that. that i'm older. now. but you made this actually really sucky birthday not so sucky after all :)<3

in other news.. life is weird. it's hard. i'm 23. details will come when i figure it out myself.

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i'm done

but being finished with something doesn't mean anything.

it just means something else is there waiting, or already in process.

i need to stop relying on finishing ONE thing, thinking that things will get easier, more relaxed, more clear... there's just no such thing.

you know what else? i feel like i'm waiting. i don't even know what i'm waiting for.

maybe i'm just waiting for my hair to grow out. HARHAR

no but really... what am i waiting for? this is lame. why am i even waiting?! i should be actively pursuing. i should be following a certain path. even if it's wrong, i know there's more. there are options.

that's how blessed i am. i'm beyond blessed.

im blessed but i'm broken. being broken is a blessing too.

my brother and i saw this on one of our windowed doors in our house. if you look at the whole door in person, you want to punch it so it'll just shatter so you don't have to look at it anymore. it makes you itchy. in korean, you basically say.. its jeen geul luh wuh

but up close, you see where the crack starts. you see where it begins... you see where the rock hit to make the whole thing a million different pieces.

i don't know if it's beautiful. but it's still in

tact. as much as i want to just shatter it, its still there. one thing can make us this fragile. but being fragile, can be beautiful. how to learn to be whole again without ever having been broken? we can't.

but even through the brokenness, you see the other side. it's always something to look forward to. no harm. just try, try again.

blair came this weekend. and the lack of sleep was SO worth it. from sleeping on the same bed, to hiking, to drinking and eating BCD at 4am (!!)... it was so wonderful to have a true friend there for me to just be there and be herself. literally, i think she told ALL her friends it was my birthday, even though its not for another week.

HOLY CRAP. im gonna be old... er.

but the one thing i think im gonna remember about being with blair, is the last day... how i can be so comfortable talking to her about things that i often am ashamed to even think about... how i can be so honest and not feel like i'm being judged.

this is the meaning of true friends. this is what it means to be loved. and through it all, i know she's there

CONGRATULATIONS, B! :) btw, did i mention she got into MED SCHOOL!?!?! :D

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family.

is important. in the end, these people are the ones that are connected to you both physically and spiritually. you have a blood bond that you don't have with a best friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, enemy... anyone.

this is my brother:

his name is GiDEON.

you don't know gid. you don't know him unless he wants you to know him. maybe you've met him. maybe you're even friends with him. but you don't know him.

some of you can figure that he looks exactly like my daddy and nothing like me. you may know that he's one of the most intelligent guys out there. you may even know that he's an amazing writer and a talented talented TALENTED musician. you may even have heard him make that squealing noise when he laughs or gets scared at something. but you don't know him.

not in the way i do, at least. i don't know him more or less than anyone else. i don't have infinite knowledge of him, nor do i have no knowledge of him. but he's my brother. MY brother.





want to know how horrible of a sister i am? want to know how horrible of a sister i was all these years?



as a sister, i always "loved" him. but until recently, i never REALLY loved him. i said that i love him because i was obligated to. there were literally moments where i would think in my head, "if he wasn't my brother, i don't know if i could love him."


i know that he doesn't have to be my best friend. if he weren't my brother, i don't think we'd be best friends. but does that matter? what do "if"situations do for us? they make us feel regret, feel sorrow, feel guilty, feel unlucky... all these emotions that are not real. what's real is what's given.

i love my brother. it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of him, or what anyone else thinks of us as siblings. i love him because he is the perfect brother. who he is is exactly how he's supposed to be right now at this point in our lives.


if you're reading this, gidman... i'm sorry. i am so grateful that you are home and i know that through everything, family is all we've got. i'm sorry for being so hateful and for not showing or expressing how much i should have loved you all these years.

we are so blessed. what a family... what a journey.

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