this week

will be epic.

family is first. and regardless of the nasty fights, annoyance, and sometimes grief that comes along with their existence, they are first. in the end, it doesn't matter how much you fight or argue with them. they are still your family.


there are so many things i want to do. i must do.

still feeling pressure, still feeling uncertain, still feeling a bit unmotivated.



but it's fine. i'm fine. everyone needs their breakdown moment. this is mine.


doesn't mean i'm going anywhere ;)





THIS WEEK MEANS... PRODUCTIVE-NESS! :D

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i miss.

i miss playing the piano.

not just playing the piano, but being decently good at it. doesn't matter if people think i'm "good"... i know my capabilities and i know that right now, i suck.


the amount of time, effort, energy, stress... it was all worth it.



reach higher. reach higher. reach higher.



on a side note...



the first day i got him<3






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define

define what a friend is.

define what it means to be a GOOD friend.

what does it mean to be there for someone else? does it mean you compromise? does it mean you do everything and anything the other person asks for?


obviously not. there's something innately wrong with doing almost everything someone asks you to do, especially if you don't agree with it. i'm not talking about doing something illegal or extreme. but even from the way you feel.


a friend is
someone who loves you.
someone who doesn't judge you.
someone who let's you say exactly what you need to say and is still there.
someone who, even when apart, feels so close to you.
someone who puts up with you, but speaks with honesty.
someone who doesn't try to change you.
someone who won't ask for anything because nothing is needed.
someone who won't push your boundaries, because they know.
someone who is willing to suffer just a little... for you.
someone who is willing to go out of their way... for you.

the unexpected becomes the expected. no need to wait for things because it's already there.


what is a friend to you? why are they so hard to come by?




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nothing is impossible

ok, now everything i write, i'm worried that Johnny Han is going to think it's sick. haha sick nasty! so JUST FOR THE RECORD... "be contagious" means your life. your life should be and can be contagious. and it should be and can be to the best possible way. and how relevant is this statement after ELEVATEretreat. we are "larger than life"

like i wrote on my status, i feel like there are a million thoughts going through my head. so this post will probably make NO sense because i'm running off pure adrenaline and excitement and whatever the hell else.

ready...

set...

GO!

1. "larger than life" retreat was exactly opposite of what i expected. ask me if you want to know more. i'm too hyper to type it all out
2. can't believe i'm at work right now. this is not the job i want to be at. but i'm grateful. but i need to push! pushpushpush to do what i feel like i'm called to do!
   
3. i REALLY wanted a donut, and there are 2 boxes of krispy kremes at my office! but i'm not allowed to have it!
4. MOMMY AND BRUDDER ARE COMING BACK NEXT WEEK!<3333333333>
5. life doesn't change in a day. but... one's perspective can change to be the start of something amazing. BIG rock in the bucket :)
   
6. speaking of bucket...<3>
7. i like warm beds and blankets that are poofy so that i feel like i'm sinking in.
8. i think i should do one of those survey things cuz i feel like a spaz right now.
9. i love music. i know it is supposed to be something i do and have in my life. i will start now. any song suggestions, people? :)
   

ok no more list! but really... not everything is great. not everything is perfect. and even though the problems, thoughts, and feelings from last week are the same as this week... and even though i know that the same things that made me sad or cranky last week, will continue to make me sad or cranky this week, there is a new purpose for it all.

how is it that 13-14-15 year old students can make such an impact in my life? no, they aren't giving me advice. yes, sometimes i feel like a mother to them. but you look at their lives outside of the yelling, scolding, punishing, pushing around... and it's the type of life that says "i have a purpose". my greatest prayer is that this does not fade with age.. that the crap of this world doesn't make them jaded. i hope that it continues to challenge them.. so much so that it hurts. because strength will rise up from it.

so let's not be static. all of us. let's live a life that is contagious to other people. let's live a life with a rock in our bucket. (teehee... bucket...<3)>because even though there will be crap beyond measure, living with a rock in our bucket means we won't even have to ask the question "why?". no such thing as disappointment. just peace.






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realize.

it's quite a small world. i already knew that, but it really is.

last night, my daddy forced me to go with him to someone's house to have dinner with this family. after forcing myself to calm down, be patient, and do it for daddy, i went to this house to find two adorable dogs, and a loving and warm family. a family that has close ties to me... i just never knew.

not only is the youngest son JJ's students in Elevate, but the father and my daddy knew each other since before i was born when my daddy was still working for KPMG.




but that's not the point of this story, now is it?



the point is that i realized something. as we were sitting there enjoying galbi and jjigae, the parents took a real liking to me. they knew me from before, but they really genuinely loved me. as the mom kept wishing she had a daughter, the dad kept telling me how i have a good personality and how lucky my daddy is. i don't deserve such praise.


and then daddy spoke. and whenever my daddy speaks, all i can do is just listen and take in. no one can do that to me like he can. but he spoke about me. he spoke about what kind of daughter i am. how i was so easy to raise and how i used to work myself to the bone just to get things done. like all parents, he said things that aren't so great about me (-.-), but as he spoke, i started to realize that i was so much better back then. i was so much more disciplined... more focused. and he saw it. i just never did.


i still never do. when one is in that moment, they don't see what they're doing. i'm tired of having hope and then losing hope. one cannot motivate themselves.


too many thoughts going through my head. can't handle them all. so don't do it alone. when people are there, you know they are there. that's why regardless of all the fighting and annoyance family can bring about, they are meant to be together. and soon, we will be together.




my goal is to be back to who i was before. not every aspect... but the better part of me. so if you're going to come along, you're coming along. if you're not, then don't pretend to be.


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diet.

i went to korea.

despite my efforts, my mommy saw me and told me to go on a diet. this, i agreed with her on.

but the more i think about it, a diet is always about giving up something. give up food, give up types of foods, give up time... to go to the gym. give up things that apparently make you happy...

but in the end, i need to go on a life diet. weed out the crap. weed out the things that bring darkness. and when i can get to that point where im strong enough to beat that darkness.

i hate how weak i am. i hate how unstable i am. i hate that people think i'm so strong, but i'm weaker than all of them. i hate it. and in the end, i'm always at fault.

so forget it all. forget it. if i'm not worth it, then i'm not worth it. but i am to someone... somewhere. i have to be worth it to me.

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i want

to bake and cook. [www.joythebaker.com]

to make music and sing.

to read. [www.biblegateway.com]

do yoga. [www.yogaworks.com]

to walk around with bucket.
to talk to daddy. [till mama comes home]
to explore and learn. [www.yelp.com]





all day. everyday. that's it.


i don't want to work in this job anymore. pay me to do those things listed above.





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faith

...might mean there won't be answers
hope might mean enduring through the night.

help me not forget in darkness
the things that i believe in light.




i don't know why, but it feels dark right now. i don't want to forget the things i believe when there is light. maybe it's the anticipation.

it has come to that point where i feel the need to take a step back, find my breath (mentally and physically), and listen to Him. my dependence on others is taken as weakness. i find myself weak. i am weak.




this life within me cries that i want more. i want more of what can be offered. i know what it is that my heart is yearning for, leaning towards, gasping for. and forget will-power. must have drive that is founded on His will for me. it hurts me so much because i want it so badly.

so pursue.

pursue.

pursue.



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control

this is my biggest issue. if i have it, i get stressed out thinking that i can't handle it. when i don't have it, i get anxious because i want it. i WANT control of my life. i want control of what my relationships are like, what people think of me, how people react, how i act and react...

i wake up at night cuz i can't breathe. then i can't sleep again because i feel like i stop breathing. the next day, it's no better. i don't know if it's just carried on from the night before, or if i'm still unconsciously stressed about it.


maybe i am physically made this way so that i can know when i'm stressing out or being anxious. if i didn't have these physical reactions to them, maybe i would never know and it would be a thousand times worse in the future.



if i believe He is higher than all created things... then shouldn't things be easier?

no. having this identity is not meant to be easy.



more motivation. more discipline. on its way.



2 more weeks and i will see my mommy. my rock.

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healing

is in Your hands.

i laid down all the cards. if you're not going to take it, then i'm just gonna have to be sad by myself and hope that it won't hurt as badly later.

God created people to love on each other.

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changes

i found out who "anonymous" is! :D



ok but anyway. this morning, i was driving to work and the song "changes" by tupac came on. through all these years, i was sort of indifferent to him. i didn't love him and his music, i didn't hate him and his music. i knew he was talented... but i wasn't obsessed like so many gangster little korean boys were, especially when they were high and thought it was a revelation of some sort.

ANYWAY! there's this part where he says:

"let's change the way we eat. let's change the way we live. let's change the way we treat each other"




that's my LIFE right now.

change the way you eat.. doesn't just mean diet. it means your LIFE. it means your HEALTH. it means your ability to control and take care of yourself. we weren't made to be any other way but strong human beings that can work to further that ONE vision and goal.

change the way you live. everyone can change the way they live. this goes with the changing the way we eat part too. i need to live better. be more productive. drive forward. pushpushpush. losing is not an option.

change the way we treat each other. i can't do it by myself. i always always always tell myself i can change things or fix things or make things better or be better to others. and i can. i really need to treat everyone with love. but the phrase is "each other"... not just me. not just you.





james 1. hebrews 12.

read it.



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mommy.

i'm sick.

i'm really sick. from the headaches, to the sore throat, to the fever, to the cough, to the re-occuring stomach aches, to other things that may be TMI... i've never felt so sick.

so my daddy made me go to the doctors office. in middle of work. to put his mind at ease... i went.
and boy, do i have problems. a lot of problems...

i always knew about these problems, but i don't know why they're bothering me now. i'm not THAT old. but i feel like it's so crucial for me to change my life. now.

and then my mommy.

she sent me an email. and every time i opened that email... i cried. during work. every sentence i read made me miss her more. every word was pain because i could hear her saying it.

i've been in college. i've lived away from home. i've missed my mommy before. but it's different when it feels like she was taken away.

i could hear her honesty in her words. i feel like being sick is making her hurt. especially because she is so far away. especially because as a parent, she feels like she can't take care of me.

i will change, mommy. i will change and do better. i promise.

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friends

what a blessing they are...

how often do we forget to be thankful for friends that we can be honest with, solve problems with, cry with, laugh with, joke with, figure life out with...

admist all that confusion, i forget how blessed i am. i forget how amazing it feels to have these people in my life. even through the laziness, i need to remember to just get up, go meet a friend, and have true fellowship. what an uplift of the spirit.

it doesn't matter what we go through. we can't do it alone. and as hopeless as we can feel... we weren't made to do it alone. even during the times they seem to be gone or distant... they are there.

do you know what it feels like to be unconditionally loved without judgement? even for parents, it's hard for us to know.

but i know.

thank you<3

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guilt

drives my life. not always. but a lot of the times.


i constantly feel like i want to put my emotions and feelings in plastic containers and organize them in a shelf. then i want to close that shelf door so i can just see from a the outside.



the worst part is... when its something i can't control. it all seeps in. somehow, i will find a way to tell myself that it's my fault that someone feels a certain way about me. that i must have done something wrong. and i believe it. i'm not saying i'm right. but change is hard.




i'm afraid of making the wrong decision. i'm afraid that i will get hurt beyond what i already have. but further more, i'm afraid to hurt someone else. someone else's pain hurts so much more than my own. someone else's pain BECOMES my own. we aren't meant to live alone.




i don't have peace. i don't have peace because i don't have a foundation. i live to distract myself from confusing myself. my confusion roots from others. it roots from my identity in others.



but there's so much hope. there are glimpses of peace that can be given. everything in His timing. and it DOES work. just have to live it...



i miss my mommy.

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keeping up

thoughts start to really go crazy when i'm mindless. being busy blocks it out.




but right now, i'm sort of mindless.











and thoughts start to creep in. emotions and feelings start to creep in. why is it so hard to just trust? why is it so easy to tell someone else, but when it comes to these moments, i flip out?





it's like being driven by guilt. constant guilt. little things create little reactions to guilt, whereas big things are attempted to be ignored so that the guilt doesnt drive me insane.









i wish my mommy was here. it takes more than wishing to make things happen. you have to go DO it. but you can't do it by your own will power.







think, christine, think. why do you regret so much? why are you so unsure? because i have based my identity and my worth in things and people... as much as i love my friends and family... people fail you. things fail you. circumstances, chance, jobs, relationships, life... they all fail you.



so why do i base my identity on things that are not going to sustain?









because i'm dumb. grow up.

show me.

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i hear your voice

and this is mine.

retreat.. was not an emotional or spiritual high. it wasn't an epiphany. i didn't even learn anything ridiculously mind-blowing.

but it was new. it was different. it was a time that i can confidently say that was life-changing. id didn't make a complete life-changing decision. but i came out with a transformation.

the transformation involved realization, acknowledgement, an open heart, and open ears. that moment where you KNOW that going forward, something will be different. it doesn't have to be definable via words. it just has to be credited to the right source.

i talk a lot. i talk too much. how will i have an awakening if i'm not listening?

my ears must work as hard, if not harder, than my voice.

if we can walk with total understanding and dependence on grace, we can be so different. we can live so differently. we can feel something that is so unexplainable... but it wouldn't need to feel like it NEEDS to be explained.

it begins when the focus leaves the self.

awakening. that's what we need.

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try again.

i haven't written in 4 months.

4 months is a long time. heck, 1 month is a long time. 1 WEEK is a long time. so many things happen from minute to minute. 4 months is too much for one post. too much has been forgotten. but too much will always be remembered.

in the car, i have been blasting music. meaningful music. not the crap that's out today. but the music that has lyrics that mean something. and then i cry. every single time.

what a gift to have studied music at school. to have the knowledge in addition to the heart for something that can be so glorifying and soul-wrenching. it cuts deep. but it makes sense for the person who feels it.

i wish i could think things and it would pop up on this blog. i have no other means of remembering or processing my thoughts later.

my parents. what a gift. what love they display and teach. they are the strongest people ever.

bucket :)<3>i love him. and he makes me smile. and things that hurt the heart doesn't hurt so much. maybe its just cuz i'm distracted by how FREAKING ADORABLE he is. BABYBABY!

and you. what an inspiration. what a challenger. finally, after 23 years of life, i can say that i know what it means to be a sister. i'm not perfect at it. no where near perfect at it. but i'm lucky to be one.

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my brother

i came home one day to find a series of pictures he took. i decided to put them together and make a video. HAHA isn't he the best? :)<3

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*edit*

i don't know how i'm supposed to feel, sometimes. i'm just so confused and i don't know if i'm supposed to just go with it... or what. honestly, i don't know what to do. saying one thing, but doing the other... stop messing with my emotions. as much as i don't want to care and i don't want to make it a big deal, it still hurts.

yea, people have to be selfish sometimes so they can protect themselves. but it's not protecting themselves if they are demeaning the other's feelings too. i'm not perfect and i don't have perfect balance in these things. but i try.

i hope they know. i want them to know. because i can only take so much.

not ready

for anything.

but who is ever ready? people who truly live day by day are my inspiration. i live to KNOW what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day. but that's impossible. that's the problem: trying to live the impossible like it's possible.

completely dissed myself right now. it's true. the way i live and look at life is completely moronic. that means, i'm a moron.

no sympathy needed. i know this and have always known this. but i've learned other things on the way.

it's ok to complain. maybe not excessively. but it's ok not to feel great about everything. and having people in your life who will listen to you makes it that much more easy to let it out. let it out.

it's not ok to be ungrateful. saying you're grateful isn't enough. do you live it? i don't. not all the time. being grateful can mend a broken heart. really, it can. it can light up your soul.

you're going to have bad days. you're also going to have good days. what will you do to insure that none of those days are wasted days? your bad days can often mean so much more than your good days. those are the days that grow you, push you, and teach you how to live in this crazy world. crazy is the key word.

i believe all these things. but i don't live it out. its tiring, exhausting, and actually... failure is inevitable when i try to write my own future. but what is this burning, this urge, this ridiculous need to write my own future when i know i'm going to fail. if i were to generalize it, why the hell do we do ANYTHING knowing that it will eventually lead to disappointment?

because we're human. because we learn from mistakes. because we can only have our heart broken to put it back together. because we can only be hurt to be healed.

life is so short. an acquaintance from Northwestern unfortunately passed away on my birthday. in all circumstances, God is good. but she didn't have to go. she was bright. and even though she wasn't a close friend, the interactions i did have with her showed a girl who was trying so hard to search and experience life. she wanted to live and feel alive.

i didn't even know her well, but as i was talking to twin about her, i seriously felt so sad. SO SO empty... it's such a tragedy. all she was doing, was looking and searching as we all do. today was her funeral. i hate that i missed it. even though i didn't know her well, there's something missing. something's missing...

RIP Yoon Lee.

i'm sorry we weren't close. i genuinely hope that you found what you were looking for.

life is short. embrace, embrace, embrace.

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twin

came for my birthday weekend :) i think he can be given credit for any celebration that happened at all this weekend.

i was thinking about it... you know it's hard to call someone a close friend that you have known for a good period of time, but just never had the chance to KNOW. but what makes it a friendship is that no matter the distance or the amount of time that separates people, there's still care. when a thought of the other person pops into mind, they wonder how they are. in essence, they love.

so twin, thank you. i honestly still get freaaaked out by how we sorta actually look alike and how we really are similar in the strangest of ways... but thank you for taking that flight, using your credit card, and forcing me to remember that i'm getting older. scratch that. that i'm older. now. but you made this actually really sucky birthday not so sucky after all :)<3

in other news.. life is weird. it's hard. i'm 23. details will come when i figure it out myself.

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i'm done

but being finished with something doesn't mean anything.

it just means something else is there waiting, or already in process.

i need to stop relying on finishing ONE thing, thinking that things will get easier, more relaxed, more clear... there's just no such thing.

you know what else? i feel like i'm waiting. i don't even know what i'm waiting for.

maybe i'm just waiting for my hair to grow out. HARHAR

no but really... what am i waiting for? this is lame. why am i even waiting?! i should be actively pursuing. i should be following a certain path. even if it's wrong, i know there's more. there are options.

that's how blessed i am. i'm beyond blessed.

im blessed but i'm broken. being broken is a blessing too.

my brother and i saw this on one of our windowed doors in our house. if you look at the whole door in person, you want to punch it so it'll just shatter so you don't have to look at it anymore. it makes you itchy. in korean, you basically say.. its jeen geul luh wuh

but up close, you see where the crack starts. you see where it begins... you see where the rock hit to make the whole thing a million different pieces.

i don't know if it's beautiful. but it's still in

tact. as much as i want to just shatter it, its still there. one thing can make us this fragile. but being fragile, can be beautiful. how to learn to be whole again without ever having been broken? we can't.

but even through the brokenness, you see the other side. it's always something to look forward to. no harm. just try, try again.

blair came this weekend. and the lack of sleep was SO worth it. from sleeping on the same bed, to hiking, to drinking and eating BCD at 4am (!!)... it was so wonderful to have a true friend there for me to just be there and be herself. literally, i think she told ALL her friends it was my birthday, even though its not for another week.

HOLY CRAP. im gonna be old... er.

but the one thing i think im gonna remember about being with blair, is the last day... how i can be so comfortable talking to her about things that i often am ashamed to even think about... how i can be so honest and not feel like i'm being judged.

this is the meaning of true friends. this is what it means to be loved. and through it all, i know she's there

CONGRATULATIONS, B! :) btw, did i mention she got into MED SCHOOL!?!?! :D

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family.

is important. in the end, these people are the ones that are connected to you both physically and spiritually. you have a blood bond that you don't have with a best friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, enemy... anyone.

this is my brother:

his name is GiDEON.

you don't know gid. you don't know him unless he wants you to know him. maybe you've met him. maybe you're even friends with him. but you don't know him.

some of you can figure that he looks exactly like my daddy and nothing like me. you may know that he's one of the most intelligent guys out there. you may even know that he's an amazing writer and a talented talented TALENTED musician. you may even have heard him make that squealing noise when he laughs or gets scared at something. but you don't know him.

not in the way i do, at least. i don't know him more or less than anyone else. i don't have infinite knowledge of him, nor do i have no knowledge of him. but he's my brother. MY brother.





want to know how horrible of a sister i am? want to know how horrible of a sister i was all these years?



as a sister, i always "loved" him. but until recently, i never REALLY loved him. i said that i love him because i was obligated to. there were literally moments where i would think in my head, "if he wasn't my brother, i don't know if i could love him."


i know that he doesn't have to be my best friend. if he weren't my brother, i don't think we'd be best friends. but does that matter? what do "if"situations do for us? they make us feel regret, feel sorrow, feel guilty, feel unlucky... all these emotions that are not real. what's real is what's given.

i love my brother. it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of him, or what anyone else thinks of us as siblings. i love him because he is the perfect brother. who he is is exactly how he's supposed to be right now at this point in our lives.


if you're reading this, gidman... i'm sorry. i am so grateful that you are home and i know that through everything, family is all we've got. i'm sorry for being so hateful and for not showing or expressing how much i should have loved you all these years.

we are so blessed. what a family... what a journey.

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dermatillomania

i think i have it.



i realize that i am an extremely and overly stressed-out human being. not because i should be, but because i'm just anxious... ALL.THE.TIME.



and so during really stressful times i pick at the skin on my nails. i know. gross. but i do it occasionally. i'll have a period of time where i'm REALLY good and i don't do it for a while and my skin and nails look super healthy... but most of the time they don't look that way. i actually get acrylic nails for this purpose. those ridiculously long and thick nails keep me from picking at my skin or nails. i have NO coordination with those things.



i need to stop. i have compulsive habits, and this is just one.







you know what else?



the whole world thinks that they have the greatest daddy on earth. what constitutes the greatest daddy? every daddy loves their little girl (and/or boy). but what makes him stand out? what makes him the person that you grow up admiring? are they the qualities that every father has? or is it something special?



mine's something special. mine is indescribable with my limited vocabulary.

sure.. he has temper tantrums at times. what korean male doesnt? honestly, i remember back in the day when it was frequent. now... he has just calmed down so much and just loves. he loves.


he doesn't just provide for me. he lives for me



he doesn't just do things for me. he believes in me.



he doesn't just push me to do better. he lives as the type of person i want to be.



i've felt distant from my daddy. my mommy (the best mommy ever, by the way) is the one who i always talked to on the phone when i was away at school. whenever i want to go out somewhere, it's usually mommy i go with. maybe it's this father-daughter relationship that makes it harder. as a girl, i like the emotional "share-all-your-secrets" type of relationship. as a guy, my daddy just lives as though there is an understanding that we are family and we love each other. granted, he's a bit more emotional and sappy than most daddys... he cries more than my mommy, that's for sure. but i feel distant when he's busy or when he doesn't talk to me or we don't go out and do father-daughter things.



but that doesn't mean he's distant. i've always looked up to my daddy and have always been so grateful to him and for him. but you know those events that just suddenly go *PING* and it re-hits you? you just realize these things like they are new news.



he doesn't just care for me. he loves me.



he doesn't just encourage me. he is the reason i work harder.



i don't want to just be like him. i want to live like him.



live

learn

grow

care

love

accept

move

change

believe



try. try. try again.



the sacrifices he made and continues to make will never fully be comprehended. maybe it's not meant to be understood.





*note: when i say "me", i mean... our family. hahahha plus me. hahah

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connie asked me when i was updating my blog.

so update my blog i shall ;)

why don't i try to list things since i'm at work and busy as hell :)

1. i'm "i'm-going-to-poop-in-my-pants" nervous to take my GMAT. MARCH 16. *shudder*

2. i still feel ridiculously inadequate at work. blah.

3. connie and i are sharing a googlecalendar<3

4. i'm spiritually stagnant. enough said.

5. there are so many things i'm worried about. worry worry worry. i took a personality test (which, i'm not really that into, by the way) just for the hell of it. every single one i've ever taken in my whole entire life always puts two things:

i'm extrovert

i worry and am an anxious personality type.

6. on wednesday, my mommy and i went to trader joe's. and i bought 4 bottles of wine :)

this is a pointless and random entry.

you know...what makes people grow closer and feel more connected to each other, is how honest they are with each other. people can always claim that they are "close" to someone or know someone really well, but until there are small conflicts that need to be worked out, one will never really know that necessary and core side of the other person. people aren't best friends because they always get along. they are best friends because they know each other inside and out: the ugly, the angry, the baby, the annoying side of them... and they still love them and look beyond their own judgements and accept them.

how many people are in your life that you can truly say you have this kind of relationship with? honesty is hard and it hurts. situations hurt. life hurts. being the weak-hearted person that i am, i don't take criticism well. i hardly take advice well. (i shouldn't use the word "being"... on the GMAT at least) but i can say with full confidence that i am loved and cared for. not by many... but one person on this entire earth is enough. everyone has someone that loves them. how willing you are to open up your heart to accept and embrace that, is your choice.

ok that was random too...

rain makes people drive like crap.

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confused.

with life.

what am i doing? where am i going?



i get so frustrated that i don't know. and all of my reactions are less than amusing.

i snap.

with all of this on my mind, you would think that i'd be smart enough to drop a few things or try something different. and i try, to a certain extent.

then i fail.

which leads to more frustration and feelings of inadequacy, uselessness, and disappointment.

in the midst of it all, God is good, right? then why don't i live it out?

i've come to terms that i haven't been right with Him for a while. not that i blamed Him or got angry at Him or asked Him "why?"... more like i've been neglecting Him. i forget He's there. i feel far away from Him. only at complete and utter moments of desperation do i realize this.

but we are called to love, acknowledge, and represent Him at all times. how is that possible when i only turn to Him in times of need?

what the hell am i doing?

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i realize i need to...

change everyday.


i took kickboxing last night at my gym (best class EVER by the way).

at the end of the class, he said something that i should listen to...



consistency is good. but everyone needs to do something different... something stimulating.

every.single.day

it's good for the mind, body, and soul.




i plan to take this advice very seriously. but in a good serious kind-of-way ;)

i know i can't be the same to everyone. but sometimes, it sucks to be out of the loop.

don't avoid something that wasn't even there to avoid.

i'm MOTIVATED.

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tears

i cried myself to sleep last night.

... and it felt strangely relieving.

don't bottle it up.

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healing.

what a powerful word.

healing.

being renewed, restored, rejuvenated. not only in the spiritual sense, but in every sense.

you know what healing brings forth?

unspeakable joy


(hey! like the junior high christmas song ;D)

i want joy. i want to seek joy. it doesn't start with a change of circumstances. like my parents ALWAYS told me... it starts with your attitude.



we are ever changing. everyday we should be different.

how are you different today?




this passage from pastor Francis Chan's book, Crazy Love describes me:

Worry implies that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, or loving enough to take care of what's happening in our lives.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards others, or our tight grip of control

i can't say that this one quote from this one book changed my perspective. but realizing the validity of this statement doesnt just make you think twice about why you think the way you do... it makes you think over and over and over again. and then you reminisce about every example that further validates this statement.




most people can agree that life is too short and too valuable to be so concerned with petty things. but what most people don't realize is that what they value is petty as well.


by the way... this dog is nothing but "petty" or small. it was HUGE! that's my six year old baby STANDING next to it! o.O




what do we live for?



how can we not feel joy or love when seeing the beauty of things we can't even imagine creating.


let's be like children. let's aim for unspeakable joy.





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coming together...?

as crappy as things have been and as much as i've been complaining, there's something i can't deny:

things will always come together in time.

it's like i know and understand this fact, but maybe i expect too much. i expect everything to be dandy when i wake up one morning. but as i reflect on the last 4 months, i realize that one thing at a time starts to make a little bit of sense.


i have my most emotional, deep thoughts during my ridiculously long drives to and from work. as i was driving, this song was on KOST103.5. and i cried. by myself. i haven't believed what is said in this song or lived it out at all. things haven't been easy. and honestly, these aren't the petty things that can be looked over and glossy-ed up. but my reaction to these situations have been everything but uplifting.

He raises me up.

it's hard living at home. it's hard following these rules. it's hard to feel so insignificant and helpless. it's hard to feel undermined and untrusted. it's hard to feel confused. it's hard to feel misunderstood.

He raises me up to more than I can be.

this is beyond me. it was always beyond me. but pieces are sort of coming together. i have flaws and habits and traits that need to be fixed. maybe that's why im here. maybe...





it's so weird. i love them, and i can't live without them... but when do i grow up? mm.


"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

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2010.

new year. is it really that epic?

i've come to terms that the new year, is just another day. it's another midnight leading to another day. do we really need "new year" celebrations?

new decade. is that even epic?

everyday is a new day. every new midnight is a new "start". often times, we feel like we fail because we give ourselves "resolutions" that we don't achieve. why do we need to start the new year with a celebration?


don't get me wrong. it is significant in some ways. but what's more significant and real, is that you get a new start everyday. don't limit yourself to a celebritory day to start something new or to make a change. the human mind and will is strong. if people can use it for good, how much better could the world be?



at church yesterday, pastor choi spoke. he spoke about a simple concept that makes so much sense, but is somehow so impossible and hard to do.

good people make up a good church.

this is applicable to any group: a neighborhood, a school, a classroom, a band... every member or person within that group must be "good" for the group to be considered "good". it makes sense. one person can ruin it. and that's what a church is supposed to aim for. to be a group of believers that can be open and can love and can embrace people. to accept everyone because that's what the "good" thing is to do. we need to love, and we all need to do it ourselves for the church to become stronger and more dependent and loving.


how can we, as individuals, become better? we must push for this. we must aim to be better in every aspect of our lives. only in this way can we strive to be a better group of people displaying love, community, and fellowship that changes the world.


the base is love. simple as that.


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