guilt

drives my life. not always. but a lot of the times.


i constantly feel like i want to put my emotions and feelings in plastic containers and organize them in a shelf. then i want to close that shelf door so i can just see from a the outside.



the worst part is... when its something i can't control. it all seeps in. somehow, i will find a way to tell myself that it's my fault that someone feels a certain way about me. that i must have done something wrong. and i believe it. i'm not saying i'm right. but change is hard.




i'm afraid of making the wrong decision. i'm afraid that i will get hurt beyond what i already have. but further more, i'm afraid to hurt someone else. someone else's pain hurts so much more than my own. someone else's pain BECOMES my own. we aren't meant to live alone.




i don't have peace. i don't have peace because i don't have a foundation. i live to distract myself from confusing myself. my confusion roots from others. it roots from my identity in others.



but there's so much hope. there are glimpses of peace that can be given. everything in His timing. and it DOES work. just have to live it...



i miss my mommy.

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