dermatillomania

i think i have it.



i realize that i am an extremely and overly stressed-out human being. not because i should be, but because i'm just anxious... ALL.THE.TIME.



and so during really stressful times i pick at the skin on my nails. i know. gross. but i do it occasionally. i'll have a period of time where i'm REALLY good and i don't do it for a while and my skin and nails look super healthy... but most of the time they don't look that way. i actually get acrylic nails for this purpose. those ridiculously long and thick nails keep me from picking at my skin or nails. i have NO coordination with those things.



i need to stop. i have compulsive habits, and this is just one.







you know what else?



the whole world thinks that they have the greatest daddy on earth. what constitutes the greatest daddy? every daddy loves their little girl (and/or boy). but what makes him stand out? what makes him the person that you grow up admiring? are they the qualities that every father has? or is it something special?



mine's something special. mine is indescribable with my limited vocabulary.

sure.. he has temper tantrums at times. what korean male doesnt? honestly, i remember back in the day when it was frequent. now... he has just calmed down so much and just loves. he loves.


he doesn't just provide for me. he lives for me



he doesn't just do things for me. he believes in me.



he doesn't just push me to do better. he lives as the type of person i want to be.



i've felt distant from my daddy. my mommy (the best mommy ever, by the way) is the one who i always talked to on the phone when i was away at school. whenever i want to go out somewhere, it's usually mommy i go with. maybe it's this father-daughter relationship that makes it harder. as a girl, i like the emotional "share-all-your-secrets" type of relationship. as a guy, my daddy just lives as though there is an understanding that we are family and we love each other. granted, he's a bit more emotional and sappy than most daddys... he cries more than my mommy, that's for sure. but i feel distant when he's busy or when he doesn't talk to me or we don't go out and do father-daughter things.



but that doesn't mean he's distant. i've always looked up to my daddy and have always been so grateful to him and for him. but you know those events that just suddenly go *PING* and it re-hits you? you just realize these things like they are new news.



he doesn't just care for me. he loves me.



he doesn't just encourage me. he is the reason i work harder.



i don't want to just be like him. i want to live like him.



live

learn

grow

care

love

accept

move

change

believe



try. try. try again.



the sacrifices he made and continues to make will never fully be comprehended. maybe it's not meant to be understood.





*note: when i say "me", i mean... our family. hahahha plus me. hahah

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connie asked me when i was updating my blog.

so update my blog i shall ;)

why don't i try to list things since i'm at work and busy as hell :)

1. i'm "i'm-going-to-poop-in-my-pants" nervous to take my GMAT. MARCH 16. *shudder*

2. i still feel ridiculously inadequate at work. blah.

3. connie and i are sharing a googlecalendar<3

4. i'm spiritually stagnant. enough said.

5. there are so many things i'm worried about. worry worry worry. i took a personality test (which, i'm not really that into, by the way) just for the hell of it. every single one i've ever taken in my whole entire life always puts two things:

i'm extrovert

i worry and am an anxious personality type.

6. on wednesday, my mommy and i went to trader joe's. and i bought 4 bottles of wine :)

this is a pointless and random entry.

you know...what makes people grow closer and feel more connected to each other, is how honest they are with each other. people can always claim that they are "close" to someone or know someone really well, but until there are small conflicts that need to be worked out, one will never really know that necessary and core side of the other person. people aren't best friends because they always get along. they are best friends because they know each other inside and out: the ugly, the angry, the baby, the annoying side of them... and they still love them and look beyond their own judgements and accept them.

how many people are in your life that you can truly say you have this kind of relationship with? honesty is hard and it hurts. situations hurt. life hurts. being the weak-hearted person that i am, i don't take criticism well. i hardly take advice well. (i shouldn't use the word "being"... on the GMAT at least) but i can say with full confidence that i am loved and cared for. not by many... but one person on this entire earth is enough. everyone has someone that loves them. how willing you are to open up your heart to accept and embrace that, is your choice.

ok that was random too...

rain makes people drive like crap.

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confused.

with life.

what am i doing? where am i going?



i get so frustrated that i don't know. and all of my reactions are less than amusing.

i snap.

with all of this on my mind, you would think that i'd be smart enough to drop a few things or try something different. and i try, to a certain extent.

then i fail.

which leads to more frustration and feelings of inadequacy, uselessness, and disappointment.

in the midst of it all, God is good, right? then why don't i live it out?

i've come to terms that i haven't been right with Him for a while. not that i blamed Him or got angry at Him or asked Him "why?"... more like i've been neglecting Him. i forget He's there. i feel far away from Him. only at complete and utter moments of desperation do i realize this.

but we are called to love, acknowledge, and represent Him at all times. how is that possible when i only turn to Him in times of need?

what the hell am i doing?

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i realize i need to...

change everyday.


i took kickboxing last night at my gym (best class EVER by the way).

at the end of the class, he said something that i should listen to...



consistency is good. but everyone needs to do something different... something stimulating.

every.single.day

it's good for the mind, body, and soul.




i plan to take this advice very seriously. but in a good serious kind-of-way ;)

i know i can't be the same to everyone. but sometimes, it sucks to be out of the loop.

don't avoid something that wasn't even there to avoid.

i'm MOTIVATED.

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tears

i cried myself to sleep last night.

... and it felt strangely relieving.

don't bottle it up.

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