dermatillomania

i think i have it.



i realize that i am an extremely and overly stressed-out human being. not because i should be, but because i'm just anxious... ALL.THE.TIME.



and so during really stressful times i pick at the skin on my nails. i know. gross. but i do it occasionally. i'll have a period of time where i'm REALLY good and i don't do it for a while and my skin and nails look super healthy... but most of the time they don't look that way. i actually get acrylic nails for this purpose. those ridiculously long and thick nails keep me from picking at my skin or nails. i have NO coordination with those things.



i need to stop. i have compulsive habits, and this is just one.







you know what else?



the whole world thinks that they have the greatest daddy on earth. what constitutes the greatest daddy? every daddy loves their little girl (and/or boy). but what makes him stand out? what makes him the person that you grow up admiring? are they the qualities that every father has? or is it something special?



mine's something special. mine is indescribable with my limited vocabulary.

sure.. he has temper tantrums at times. what korean male doesnt? honestly, i remember back in the day when it was frequent. now... he has just calmed down so much and just loves. he loves.


he doesn't just provide for me. he lives for me



he doesn't just do things for me. he believes in me.



he doesn't just push me to do better. he lives as the type of person i want to be.



i've felt distant from my daddy. my mommy (the best mommy ever, by the way) is the one who i always talked to on the phone when i was away at school. whenever i want to go out somewhere, it's usually mommy i go with. maybe it's this father-daughter relationship that makes it harder. as a girl, i like the emotional "share-all-your-secrets" type of relationship. as a guy, my daddy just lives as though there is an understanding that we are family and we love each other. granted, he's a bit more emotional and sappy than most daddys... he cries more than my mommy, that's for sure. but i feel distant when he's busy or when he doesn't talk to me or we don't go out and do father-daughter things.



but that doesn't mean he's distant. i've always looked up to my daddy and have always been so grateful to him and for him. but you know those events that just suddenly go *PING* and it re-hits you? you just realize these things like they are new news.



he doesn't just care for me. he loves me.



he doesn't just encourage me. he is the reason i work harder.



i don't want to just be like him. i want to live like him.



live

learn

grow

care

love

accept

move

change

believe



try. try. try again.



the sacrifices he made and continues to make will never fully be comprehended. maybe it's not meant to be understood.





*note: when i say "me", i mean... our family. hahahha plus me. hahah

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