changes

i found out who "anonymous" is! :D



ok but anyway. this morning, i was driving to work and the song "changes" by tupac came on. through all these years, i was sort of indifferent to him. i didn't love him and his music, i didn't hate him and his music. i knew he was talented... but i wasn't obsessed like so many gangster little korean boys were, especially when they were high and thought it was a revelation of some sort.

ANYWAY! there's this part where he says:

"let's change the way we eat. let's change the way we live. let's change the way we treat each other"




that's my LIFE right now.

change the way you eat.. doesn't just mean diet. it means your LIFE. it means your HEALTH. it means your ability to control and take care of yourself. we weren't made to be any other way but strong human beings that can work to further that ONE vision and goal.

change the way you live. everyone can change the way they live. this goes with the changing the way we eat part too. i need to live better. be more productive. drive forward. pushpushpush. losing is not an option.

change the way we treat each other. i can't do it by myself. i always always always tell myself i can change things or fix things or make things better or be better to others. and i can. i really need to treat everyone with love. but the phrase is "each other"... not just me. not just you.





james 1. hebrews 12.

read it.



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mommy.

i'm sick.

i'm really sick. from the headaches, to the sore throat, to the fever, to the cough, to the re-occuring stomach aches, to other things that may be TMI... i've never felt so sick.

so my daddy made me go to the doctors office. in middle of work. to put his mind at ease... i went.
and boy, do i have problems. a lot of problems...

i always knew about these problems, but i don't know why they're bothering me now. i'm not THAT old. but i feel like it's so crucial for me to change my life. now.

and then my mommy.

she sent me an email. and every time i opened that email... i cried. during work. every sentence i read made me miss her more. every word was pain because i could hear her saying it.

i've been in college. i've lived away from home. i've missed my mommy before. but it's different when it feels like she was taken away.

i could hear her honesty in her words. i feel like being sick is making her hurt. especially because she is so far away. especially because as a parent, she feels like she can't take care of me.

i will change, mommy. i will change and do better. i promise.

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friends

what a blessing they are...

how often do we forget to be thankful for friends that we can be honest with, solve problems with, cry with, laugh with, joke with, figure life out with...

admist all that confusion, i forget how blessed i am. i forget how amazing it feels to have these people in my life. even through the laziness, i need to remember to just get up, go meet a friend, and have true fellowship. what an uplift of the spirit.

it doesn't matter what we go through. we can't do it alone. and as hopeless as we can feel... we weren't made to do it alone. even during the times they seem to be gone or distant... they are there.

do you know what it feels like to be unconditionally loved without judgement? even for parents, it's hard for us to know.

but i know.

thank you<3

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guilt

drives my life. not always. but a lot of the times.


i constantly feel like i want to put my emotions and feelings in plastic containers and organize them in a shelf. then i want to close that shelf door so i can just see from a the outside.



the worst part is... when its something i can't control. it all seeps in. somehow, i will find a way to tell myself that it's my fault that someone feels a certain way about me. that i must have done something wrong. and i believe it. i'm not saying i'm right. but change is hard.




i'm afraid of making the wrong decision. i'm afraid that i will get hurt beyond what i already have. but further more, i'm afraid to hurt someone else. someone else's pain hurts so much more than my own. someone else's pain BECOMES my own. we aren't meant to live alone.




i don't have peace. i don't have peace because i don't have a foundation. i live to distract myself from confusing myself. my confusion roots from others. it roots from my identity in others.



but there's so much hope. there are glimpses of peace that can be given. everything in His timing. and it DOES work. just have to live it...



i miss my mommy.

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keeping up

thoughts start to really go crazy when i'm mindless. being busy blocks it out.




but right now, i'm sort of mindless.











and thoughts start to creep in. emotions and feelings start to creep in. why is it so hard to just trust? why is it so easy to tell someone else, but when it comes to these moments, i flip out?





it's like being driven by guilt. constant guilt. little things create little reactions to guilt, whereas big things are attempted to be ignored so that the guilt doesnt drive me insane.









i wish my mommy was here. it takes more than wishing to make things happen. you have to go DO it. but you can't do it by your own will power.







think, christine, think. why do you regret so much? why are you so unsure? because i have based my identity and my worth in things and people... as much as i love my friends and family... people fail you. things fail you. circumstances, chance, jobs, relationships, life... they all fail you.



so why do i base my identity on things that are not going to sustain?









because i'm dumb. grow up.

show me.

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i hear your voice

and this is mine.

retreat.. was not an emotional or spiritual high. it wasn't an epiphany. i didn't even learn anything ridiculously mind-blowing.

but it was new. it was different. it was a time that i can confidently say that was life-changing. id didn't make a complete life-changing decision. but i came out with a transformation.

the transformation involved realization, acknowledgement, an open heart, and open ears. that moment where you KNOW that going forward, something will be different. it doesn't have to be definable via words. it just has to be credited to the right source.

i talk a lot. i talk too much. how will i have an awakening if i'm not listening?

my ears must work as hard, if not harder, than my voice.

if we can walk with total understanding and dependence on grace, we can be so different. we can live so differently. we can feel something that is so unexplainable... but it wouldn't need to feel like it NEEDS to be explained.

it begins when the focus leaves the self.

awakening. that's what we need.

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try again.

i haven't written in 4 months.

4 months is a long time. heck, 1 month is a long time. 1 WEEK is a long time. so many things happen from minute to minute. 4 months is too much for one post. too much has been forgotten. but too much will always be remembered.

in the car, i have been blasting music. meaningful music. not the crap that's out today. but the music that has lyrics that mean something. and then i cry. every single time.

what a gift to have studied music at school. to have the knowledge in addition to the heart for something that can be so glorifying and soul-wrenching. it cuts deep. but it makes sense for the person who feels it.

i wish i could think things and it would pop up on this blog. i have no other means of remembering or processing my thoughts later.

my parents. what a gift. what love they display and teach. they are the strongest people ever.

bucket :)<3>i love him. and he makes me smile. and things that hurt the heart doesn't hurt so much. maybe its just cuz i'm distracted by how FREAKING ADORABLE he is. BABYBABY!

and you. what an inspiration. what a challenger. finally, after 23 years of life, i can say that i know what it means to be a sister. i'm not perfect at it. no where near perfect at it. but i'm lucky to be one.

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