i want

to bake and cook. [www.joythebaker.com]

to make music and sing.

to read. [www.biblegateway.com]

do yoga. [www.yogaworks.com]

to walk around with bucket.
to talk to daddy. [till mama comes home]
to explore and learn. [www.yelp.com]





all day. everyday. that's it.


i don't want to work in this job anymore. pay me to do those things listed above.





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faith

...might mean there won't be answers
hope might mean enduring through the night.

help me not forget in darkness
the things that i believe in light.




i don't know why, but it feels dark right now. i don't want to forget the things i believe when there is light. maybe it's the anticipation.

it has come to that point where i feel the need to take a step back, find my breath (mentally and physically), and listen to Him. my dependence on others is taken as weakness. i find myself weak. i am weak.




this life within me cries that i want more. i want more of what can be offered. i know what it is that my heart is yearning for, leaning towards, gasping for. and forget will-power. must have drive that is founded on His will for me. it hurts me so much because i want it so badly.

so pursue.

pursue.

pursue.



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control

this is my biggest issue. if i have it, i get stressed out thinking that i can't handle it. when i don't have it, i get anxious because i want it. i WANT control of my life. i want control of what my relationships are like, what people think of me, how people react, how i act and react...

i wake up at night cuz i can't breathe. then i can't sleep again because i feel like i stop breathing. the next day, it's no better. i don't know if it's just carried on from the night before, or if i'm still unconsciously stressed about it.


maybe i am physically made this way so that i can know when i'm stressing out or being anxious. if i didn't have these physical reactions to them, maybe i would never know and it would be a thousand times worse in the future.



if i believe He is higher than all created things... then shouldn't things be easier?

no. having this identity is not meant to be easy.



more motivation. more discipline. on its way.



2 more weeks and i will see my mommy. my rock.

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healing

is in Your hands.

i laid down all the cards. if you're not going to take it, then i'm just gonna have to be sad by myself and hope that it won't hurt as badly later.

God created people to love on each other.

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