this week

will be epic.

family is first. and regardless of the nasty fights, annoyance, and sometimes grief that comes along with their existence, they are first. in the end, it doesn't matter how much you fight or argue with them. they are still your family.


there are so many things i want to do. i must do.

still feeling pressure, still feeling uncertain, still feeling a bit unmotivated.



but it's fine. i'm fine. everyone needs their breakdown moment. this is mine.


doesn't mean i'm going anywhere ;)





THIS WEEK MEANS... PRODUCTIVE-NESS! :D

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i miss.

i miss playing the piano.

not just playing the piano, but being decently good at it. doesn't matter if people think i'm "good"... i know my capabilities and i know that right now, i suck.


the amount of time, effort, energy, stress... it was all worth it.



reach higher. reach higher. reach higher.



on a side note...



the first day i got him<3






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define

define what a friend is.

define what it means to be a GOOD friend.

what does it mean to be there for someone else? does it mean you compromise? does it mean you do everything and anything the other person asks for?


obviously not. there's something innately wrong with doing almost everything someone asks you to do, especially if you don't agree with it. i'm not talking about doing something illegal or extreme. but even from the way you feel.


a friend is
someone who loves you.
someone who doesn't judge you.
someone who let's you say exactly what you need to say and is still there.
someone who, even when apart, feels so close to you.
someone who puts up with you, but speaks with honesty.
someone who doesn't try to change you.
someone who won't ask for anything because nothing is needed.
someone who won't push your boundaries, because they know.
someone who is willing to suffer just a little... for you.
someone who is willing to go out of their way... for you.

the unexpected becomes the expected. no need to wait for things because it's already there.


what is a friend to you? why are they so hard to come by?




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nothing is impossible

ok, now everything i write, i'm worried that Johnny Han is going to think it's sick. haha sick nasty! so JUST FOR THE RECORD... "be contagious" means your life. your life should be and can be contagious. and it should be and can be to the best possible way. and how relevant is this statement after ELEVATEretreat. we are "larger than life"

like i wrote on my status, i feel like there are a million thoughts going through my head. so this post will probably make NO sense because i'm running off pure adrenaline and excitement and whatever the hell else.

ready...

set...

GO!

1. "larger than life" retreat was exactly opposite of what i expected. ask me if you want to know more. i'm too hyper to type it all out
2. can't believe i'm at work right now. this is not the job i want to be at. but i'm grateful. but i need to push! pushpushpush to do what i feel like i'm called to do!
   
3. i REALLY wanted a donut, and there are 2 boxes of krispy kremes at my office! but i'm not allowed to have it!
4. MOMMY AND BRUDDER ARE COMING BACK NEXT WEEK!<3333333333>
5. life doesn't change in a day. but... one's perspective can change to be the start of something amazing. BIG rock in the bucket :)
   
6. speaking of bucket...<3>
7. i like warm beds and blankets that are poofy so that i feel like i'm sinking in.
8. i think i should do one of those survey things cuz i feel like a spaz right now.
9. i love music. i know it is supposed to be something i do and have in my life. i will start now. any song suggestions, people? :)
   

ok no more list! but really... not everything is great. not everything is perfect. and even though the problems, thoughts, and feelings from last week are the same as this week... and even though i know that the same things that made me sad or cranky last week, will continue to make me sad or cranky this week, there is a new purpose for it all.

how is it that 13-14-15 year old students can make such an impact in my life? no, they aren't giving me advice. yes, sometimes i feel like a mother to them. but you look at their lives outside of the yelling, scolding, punishing, pushing around... and it's the type of life that says "i have a purpose". my greatest prayer is that this does not fade with age.. that the crap of this world doesn't make them jaded. i hope that it continues to challenge them.. so much so that it hurts. because strength will rise up from it.

so let's not be static. all of us. let's live a life that is contagious to other people. let's live a life with a rock in our bucket. (teehee... bucket...<3)>because even though there will be crap beyond measure, living with a rock in our bucket means we won't even have to ask the question "why?". no such thing as disappointment. just peace.






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realize.

it's quite a small world. i already knew that, but it really is.

last night, my daddy forced me to go with him to someone's house to have dinner with this family. after forcing myself to calm down, be patient, and do it for daddy, i went to this house to find two adorable dogs, and a loving and warm family. a family that has close ties to me... i just never knew.

not only is the youngest son JJ's students in Elevate, but the father and my daddy knew each other since before i was born when my daddy was still working for KPMG.




but that's not the point of this story, now is it?



the point is that i realized something. as we were sitting there enjoying galbi and jjigae, the parents took a real liking to me. they knew me from before, but they really genuinely loved me. as the mom kept wishing she had a daughter, the dad kept telling me how i have a good personality and how lucky my daddy is. i don't deserve such praise.


and then daddy spoke. and whenever my daddy speaks, all i can do is just listen and take in. no one can do that to me like he can. but he spoke about me. he spoke about what kind of daughter i am. how i was so easy to raise and how i used to work myself to the bone just to get things done. like all parents, he said things that aren't so great about me (-.-), but as he spoke, i started to realize that i was so much better back then. i was so much more disciplined... more focused. and he saw it. i just never did.


i still never do. when one is in that moment, they don't see what they're doing. i'm tired of having hope and then losing hope. one cannot motivate themselves.


too many thoughts going through my head. can't handle them all. so don't do it alone. when people are there, you know they are there. that's why regardless of all the fighting and annoyance family can bring about, they are meant to be together. and soon, we will be together.




my goal is to be back to who i was before. not every aspect... but the better part of me. so if you're going to come along, you're coming along. if you're not, then don't pretend to be.


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diet.

i went to korea.

despite my efforts, my mommy saw me and told me to go on a diet. this, i agreed with her on.

but the more i think about it, a diet is always about giving up something. give up food, give up types of foods, give up time... to go to the gym. give up things that apparently make you happy...

but in the end, i need to go on a life diet. weed out the crap. weed out the things that bring darkness. and when i can get to that point where im strong enough to beat that darkness.

i hate how weak i am. i hate how unstable i am. i hate that people think i'm so strong, but i'm weaker than all of them. i hate it. and in the end, i'm always at fault.

so forget it all. forget it. if i'm not worth it, then i'm not worth it. but i am to someone... somewhere. i have to be worth it to me.

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i want

to bake and cook. [www.joythebaker.com]

to make music and sing.

to read. [www.biblegateway.com]

do yoga. [www.yogaworks.com]

to walk around with bucket.
to talk to daddy. [till mama comes home]
to explore and learn. [www.yelp.com]





all day. everyday. that's it.


i don't want to work in this job anymore. pay me to do those things listed above.





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faith

...might mean there won't be answers
hope might mean enduring through the night.

help me not forget in darkness
the things that i believe in light.




i don't know why, but it feels dark right now. i don't want to forget the things i believe when there is light. maybe it's the anticipation.

it has come to that point where i feel the need to take a step back, find my breath (mentally and physically), and listen to Him. my dependence on others is taken as weakness. i find myself weak. i am weak.




this life within me cries that i want more. i want more of what can be offered. i know what it is that my heart is yearning for, leaning towards, gasping for. and forget will-power. must have drive that is founded on His will for me. it hurts me so much because i want it so badly.

so pursue.

pursue.

pursue.



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control

this is my biggest issue. if i have it, i get stressed out thinking that i can't handle it. when i don't have it, i get anxious because i want it. i WANT control of my life. i want control of what my relationships are like, what people think of me, how people react, how i act and react...

i wake up at night cuz i can't breathe. then i can't sleep again because i feel like i stop breathing. the next day, it's no better. i don't know if it's just carried on from the night before, or if i'm still unconsciously stressed about it.


maybe i am physically made this way so that i can know when i'm stressing out or being anxious. if i didn't have these physical reactions to them, maybe i would never know and it would be a thousand times worse in the future.



if i believe He is higher than all created things... then shouldn't things be easier?

no. having this identity is not meant to be easy.



more motivation. more discipline. on its way.



2 more weeks and i will see my mommy. my rock.

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healing

is in Your hands.

i laid down all the cards. if you're not going to take it, then i'm just gonna have to be sad by myself and hope that it won't hurt as badly later.

God created people to love on each other.

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changes

i found out who "anonymous" is! :D



ok but anyway. this morning, i was driving to work and the song "changes" by tupac came on. through all these years, i was sort of indifferent to him. i didn't love him and his music, i didn't hate him and his music. i knew he was talented... but i wasn't obsessed like so many gangster little korean boys were, especially when they were high and thought it was a revelation of some sort.

ANYWAY! there's this part where he says:

"let's change the way we eat. let's change the way we live. let's change the way we treat each other"




that's my LIFE right now.

change the way you eat.. doesn't just mean diet. it means your LIFE. it means your HEALTH. it means your ability to control and take care of yourself. we weren't made to be any other way but strong human beings that can work to further that ONE vision and goal.

change the way you live. everyone can change the way they live. this goes with the changing the way we eat part too. i need to live better. be more productive. drive forward. pushpushpush. losing is not an option.

change the way we treat each other. i can't do it by myself. i always always always tell myself i can change things or fix things or make things better or be better to others. and i can. i really need to treat everyone with love. but the phrase is "each other"... not just me. not just you.





james 1. hebrews 12.

read it.



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mommy.

i'm sick.

i'm really sick. from the headaches, to the sore throat, to the fever, to the cough, to the re-occuring stomach aches, to other things that may be TMI... i've never felt so sick.

so my daddy made me go to the doctors office. in middle of work. to put his mind at ease... i went.
and boy, do i have problems. a lot of problems...

i always knew about these problems, but i don't know why they're bothering me now. i'm not THAT old. but i feel like it's so crucial for me to change my life. now.

and then my mommy.

she sent me an email. and every time i opened that email... i cried. during work. every sentence i read made me miss her more. every word was pain because i could hear her saying it.

i've been in college. i've lived away from home. i've missed my mommy before. but it's different when it feels like she was taken away.

i could hear her honesty in her words. i feel like being sick is making her hurt. especially because she is so far away. especially because as a parent, she feels like she can't take care of me.

i will change, mommy. i will change and do better. i promise.

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friends

what a blessing they are...

how often do we forget to be thankful for friends that we can be honest with, solve problems with, cry with, laugh with, joke with, figure life out with...

admist all that confusion, i forget how blessed i am. i forget how amazing it feels to have these people in my life. even through the laziness, i need to remember to just get up, go meet a friend, and have true fellowship. what an uplift of the spirit.

it doesn't matter what we go through. we can't do it alone. and as hopeless as we can feel... we weren't made to do it alone. even during the times they seem to be gone or distant... they are there.

do you know what it feels like to be unconditionally loved without judgement? even for parents, it's hard for us to know.

but i know.

thank you<3

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guilt

drives my life. not always. but a lot of the times.


i constantly feel like i want to put my emotions and feelings in plastic containers and organize them in a shelf. then i want to close that shelf door so i can just see from a the outside.



the worst part is... when its something i can't control. it all seeps in. somehow, i will find a way to tell myself that it's my fault that someone feels a certain way about me. that i must have done something wrong. and i believe it. i'm not saying i'm right. but change is hard.




i'm afraid of making the wrong decision. i'm afraid that i will get hurt beyond what i already have. but further more, i'm afraid to hurt someone else. someone else's pain hurts so much more than my own. someone else's pain BECOMES my own. we aren't meant to live alone.




i don't have peace. i don't have peace because i don't have a foundation. i live to distract myself from confusing myself. my confusion roots from others. it roots from my identity in others.



but there's so much hope. there are glimpses of peace that can be given. everything in His timing. and it DOES work. just have to live it...



i miss my mommy.

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keeping up

thoughts start to really go crazy when i'm mindless. being busy blocks it out.




but right now, i'm sort of mindless.











and thoughts start to creep in. emotions and feelings start to creep in. why is it so hard to just trust? why is it so easy to tell someone else, but when it comes to these moments, i flip out?





it's like being driven by guilt. constant guilt. little things create little reactions to guilt, whereas big things are attempted to be ignored so that the guilt doesnt drive me insane.









i wish my mommy was here. it takes more than wishing to make things happen. you have to go DO it. but you can't do it by your own will power.







think, christine, think. why do you regret so much? why are you so unsure? because i have based my identity and my worth in things and people... as much as i love my friends and family... people fail you. things fail you. circumstances, chance, jobs, relationships, life... they all fail you.



so why do i base my identity on things that are not going to sustain?









because i'm dumb. grow up.

show me.

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i hear your voice

and this is mine.

retreat.. was not an emotional or spiritual high. it wasn't an epiphany. i didn't even learn anything ridiculously mind-blowing.

but it was new. it was different. it was a time that i can confidently say that was life-changing. id didn't make a complete life-changing decision. but i came out with a transformation.

the transformation involved realization, acknowledgement, an open heart, and open ears. that moment where you KNOW that going forward, something will be different. it doesn't have to be definable via words. it just has to be credited to the right source.

i talk a lot. i talk too much. how will i have an awakening if i'm not listening?

my ears must work as hard, if not harder, than my voice.

if we can walk with total understanding and dependence on grace, we can be so different. we can live so differently. we can feel something that is so unexplainable... but it wouldn't need to feel like it NEEDS to be explained.

it begins when the focus leaves the self.

awakening. that's what we need.

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try again.

i haven't written in 4 months.

4 months is a long time. heck, 1 month is a long time. 1 WEEK is a long time. so many things happen from minute to minute. 4 months is too much for one post. too much has been forgotten. but too much will always be remembered.

in the car, i have been blasting music. meaningful music. not the crap that's out today. but the music that has lyrics that mean something. and then i cry. every single time.

what a gift to have studied music at school. to have the knowledge in addition to the heart for something that can be so glorifying and soul-wrenching. it cuts deep. but it makes sense for the person who feels it.

i wish i could think things and it would pop up on this blog. i have no other means of remembering or processing my thoughts later.

my parents. what a gift. what love they display and teach. they are the strongest people ever.

bucket :)<3>i love him. and he makes me smile. and things that hurt the heart doesn't hurt so much. maybe its just cuz i'm distracted by how FREAKING ADORABLE he is. BABYBABY!

and you. what an inspiration. what a challenger. finally, after 23 years of life, i can say that i know what it means to be a sister. i'm not perfect at it. no where near perfect at it. but i'm lucky to be one.

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my brother

i came home one day to find a series of pictures he took. i decided to put them together and make a video. HAHA isn't he the best? :)<3

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*edit*

i don't know how i'm supposed to feel, sometimes. i'm just so confused and i don't know if i'm supposed to just go with it... or what. honestly, i don't know what to do. saying one thing, but doing the other... stop messing with my emotions. as much as i don't want to care and i don't want to make it a big deal, it still hurts.

yea, people have to be selfish sometimes so they can protect themselves. but it's not protecting themselves if they are demeaning the other's feelings too. i'm not perfect and i don't have perfect balance in these things. but i try.

i hope they know. i want them to know. because i can only take so much.

not ready

for anything.

but who is ever ready? people who truly live day by day are my inspiration. i live to KNOW what's going to happen tomorrow or the next day. but that's impossible. that's the problem: trying to live the impossible like it's possible.

completely dissed myself right now. it's true. the way i live and look at life is completely moronic. that means, i'm a moron.

no sympathy needed. i know this and have always known this. but i've learned other things on the way.

it's ok to complain. maybe not excessively. but it's ok not to feel great about everything. and having people in your life who will listen to you makes it that much more easy to let it out. let it out.

it's not ok to be ungrateful. saying you're grateful isn't enough. do you live it? i don't. not all the time. being grateful can mend a broken heart. really, it can. it can light up your soul.

you're going to have bad days. you're also going to have good days. what will you do to insure that none of those days are wasted days? your bad days can often mean so much more than your good days. those are the days that grow you, push you, and teach you how to live in this crazy world. crazy is the key word.

i believe all these things. but i don't live it out. its tiring, exhausting, and actually... failure is inevitable when i try to write my own future. but what is this burning, this urge, this ridiculous need to write my own future when i know i'm going to fail. if i were to generalize it, why the hell do we do ANYTHING knowing that it will eventually lead to disappointment?

because we're human. because we learn from mistakes. because we can only have our heart broken to put it back together. because we can only be hurt to be healed.

life is so short. an acquaintance from Northwestern unfortunately passed away on my birthday. in all circumstances, God is good. but she didn't have to go. she was bright. and even though she wasn't a close friend, the interactions i did have with her showed a girl who was trying so hard to search and experience life. she wanted to live and feel alive.

i didn't even know her well, but as i was talking to twin about her, i seriously felt so sad. SO SO empty... it's such a tragedy. all she was doing, was looking and searching as we all do. today was her funeral. i hate that i missed it. even though i didn't know her well, there's something missing. something's missing...

RIP Yoon Lee.

i'm sorry we weren't close. i genuinely hope that you found what you were looking for.

life is short. embrace, embrace, embrace.

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twin

came for my birthday weekend :) i think he can be given credit for any celebration that happened at all this weekend.

i was thinking about it... you know it's hard to call someone a close friend that you have known for a good period of time, but just never had the chance to KNOW. but what makes it a friendship is that no matter the distance or the amount of time that separates people, there's still care. when a thought of the other person pops into mind, they wonder how they are. in essence, they love.

so twin, thank you. i honestly still get freaaaked out by how we sorta actually look alike and how we really are similar in the strangest of ways... but thank you for taking that flight, using your credit card, and forcing me to remember that i'm getting older. scratch that. that i'm older. now. but you made this actually really sucky birthday not so sucky after all :)<3

in other news.. life is weird. it's hard. i'm 23. details will come when i figure it out myself.

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